Issue 59: Nurturing Empathy Is An Act of Rebellion
Plus: 4 new mentions + a bunch of links for your weekend
There’s a phrase, that when I hear it, I recoil a bit, my face scrunched just slightly with unease: I can’t imagine. It’s almost always said in kindness, an apologetic offering meant to acknowledge the immense weight of someone’s grief. But what I also hear is: I can’t allow myself to enter the place of pain you’re inhabiting. It’s tinged with otherness, a me and a you. It feels lonely, that separateness.
I’ve been thinking, as we all have, about the current events happening worldwide—the protests in L.A. and beyond, the humanitarian crisis in Gaza, the near inevitability of stripping millions of Americans of their medical care and food benefits. And alongside the rage, what I mostly find myself wondering is: where did our lack of empathy go?
Raising kids amidst these crises keeps that question percolating in my mind. We speak a lot in our house about kindness, about being good and generous to others. But lately all I’ve wanted to teach my kids is its sister virtue: empathy. As they move through the world and meet people of all colors, backgrounds, circumstances, viewpoints, I want them simply to get curious and ask themselves, how must they feel? In an age where we’ve become desensitized to horror and pain, I want them to stay sensitive. I want them to see the woman asking for money outside the grocery store and get curious: what might she have experienced to lead her here? In spotting the student sitting alone at lunch: I wonder if he feels lonely? And then: how can I help?
Children have the most expansive, beautiful imaginations. They use them to daydream, to create alternate worlds, to test ideas. Nurturing this inherent imaginative aptitude is, in itself, nurturing empathy. Encouraging kids to imagine a foreign scenario, a lived experience outside of their own is to incite a revolution of unbridled care towards those around them—both in their own local communities and to those afar who they will never meet.
As adults, the best we can do is mirror this for them—a difficult task when we know too much, when rage feels more productive than empathy. And don’t get me wrong—anger can certainly be a tool to enact change. But I think it’s empathy, even for those who, in theory, deserve it the least, that will create a wave of unity that we haven’t felt collectively in a long time.
It’s okay if this feels unattainable or futile right now. But maybe we start with feeling the despair and also feeling empathy towards those we harbor animosity the most, modeling the acceptance of that paradox to our kids. Think of power-hungry, inflammatory leaders of our country and ask not how dare they? but instead, who hurt them? For those consuming the rhetoric that immigrants are a threat to our communities, ask what terror might they have been fleeing in hopes of a better life for their family? As we recommit to our own empathy in the face of hopelessness, we show our kids the possibilities of a generous spirit to soften the disparities between us and to ultimately shepard the world into a different way of relating to one another. Imagine, imagine, imagine.
We watched E.T. on family movie night this weekend which, if you think about it, is wrapped in empathy. Elliott and his siblings, faced with a foreign and kind-of-scary lifeform, befriend the visitor with curiosity and kindness in the way only children can. They offer him food, shelter, warmth. They teach him things and learn from him in turn. They don’t disparage or tease, dismiss or assume. They empathize with him and invite him into their human world, and get a glimpse into his as well. The plot of a movie isn’t a proxy for mitigating political upheaval, but it is a reminder of the ways in which leading with empathy in the face of fear can lead to growth and a greater understanding of the very things that scare us the most.
As the movie wrapped with the emotional scene of the three kids saying their goodbyes to E.T., my youngest welled up with tears. Her empathy was palpable—she felt the sadness of separation, the sweetness of friendship, the ache of an unfair world. She recognized the profundity of children protecting a stranger. She knew what we have forgotten: our worlds—inner and outer—become fuller when we invite empathy in.
Worth Reading: Broken Country by Claire Leslie Hall
This is one of those super buzzy books of the summer (though it was released in March), selected for Reese’s Book Club to boot. It follows our protagonist Beth over the course of over a decade, switching between her teenage romance with Gabriel in 1955 and then thirteen years later, married to salt-of-the-earth Frank and mourning the loss of their son, Bobby. In present day, we watch as a trial unfolds in the murder of a local farmer. There’s so much depth to this book, layers and layers to unpack with impeccable storytelling by Clare Leslie Hall. I loved this from beginning to end!
Worth Subscribing:
I can’t for the life of me remember how I discovered The Soft Spot, but there are so many things about it that instantly appealed to me: it’s run by three friends (who are also mothers), they live in the Hudson Valley, NY (swoon) and have an array of thoughtful, funny, service-y, and just plain fun content (we contain multitudes). This is a newer read for me, but I’m already smitten with Maddie, Genevieve + Ashley and the work they’re putting into the world.
Worth Deep-Diving: The Chaos of the ACIP
RFK Jr.’s removal of all 17 members of the advisory committee on immunization and prevention this week is a huge loss in the protection of kids against preventable diseases. I found Tangle’s coverage immensely helpful in explaining why this is a big deal, and Jessica Knurick also dissects the situation with additional focus on how this will directly affect families, what you can do about it, and how the whole thing started with propaganda eroding trust in science (because of course it did).1
Worth Spending: Wide-Leg Crop Jeans and Open Stitch Sweater
Sorry for another jeans rec!! But this Banana Republic pair really is great and comes in a bunch of washes. I feel like I am never not looking for jeans recommendations, and maybe it’s the same for you?! I got the light wash and the ecru - I recommend sizing down one as they run a little big with the light stretch. The open stitch sweater is perfect for summer; I took my smaller size. So many other great finds too, especially dresses like this linen-blend shirtdress (so many color options) and this mixed media midi tank dress. Lots of J. Crew vibes all around.
Worth Noting: This Week’s 10 Honorable Mentions
Speaking of jeans, my sister got these very cute drawstring jeans from Anthro and had the best things to say about them!
New York friends: with endorsements from Jia Tolentino and the NYT, checking Blast Off NYC for kid-friendly weekend activities feels like a no-brainer.
I’m not much of a baseball cap girl, but I really adore the preciousness of this daisy-embroidered version for summer.
Adding Four Mothers to my TBR, which follows—you guessed it—four mothers, across four countries (Finland, Japan, the U.S., and Kenya) during their first year of motherhood.
As a tuna melt lover, I was very invested in this takedown of a tuna melt with a giant slab of iceberg lettuce on it. (Though now feel like I absolutely must try this iteration.)
Very, very tempted to try an issue of the newspaper Le Petit 3 even though there’s little information on what it’s actually about. Should I do it?!
I continue to be a person who wishes she had the bandwidth to garden but knows she absolutely does not at this juncture! But I wanted to throw out this fun Substack to my gardening pals! Amy’s post on good enough gardening lured me in—because as you know, I am an enthusiastic champion of the good enough mom.
Summer reading challenges aren’t just for kids. (And how cute is SF Public Library’s summer reading tote?!)
Another great Substack rec: of —honest motherhood and so many great kid- and mom-centered recs from products to recipes to books and beyond.
Made these easy crispy chicken street tacos by this week which were great, and itching to make this tortellini salad from How Sweet Eats ASAP.
RFK Jr. image above is by Pete Kiehart for The New York Times.
Thank you, Christy! We're so lucky to have you as our unofficial West Coast Correspondent <3
(Also, Kathryn Beard, SFPL, and Caro Chambers? Dream company.)
Thanks for the mention Christy! Your newsletter is one of the ones I look forward to reading most each week.