Issue 45: You Deserve A Beautiful Motherhood
A classic case of expectation versus reality
We’re three weeks into summer over here and I am tired. Open-ended days with little kids are decidedly a lot. We’ve done playdates, the beach, a trip into San Francisco, the Children’s Museum, endless parks, neighborhood walks, lots of water play and we’re only on day 17. HOW. Thankfully, they’ve got camp next week and my oldest starts kindergarten at his year-round school shortly after that. Between a couple more weeks of camp for my youngest, and a weeklong trip to Pennsylvania, the rest of the summer should be a bit calmer. The ease of having just one child to care for is like being on an actual vacation. I’m proud of us for making it from one day to the next. Sometimes, that’s all there is.
Speaking of surviving, Emily Feret posted this short video about motherhood that’s made its way to me through both the algorithm and friends, and I keep coming back to it—especially the first two lines. You can watch the whole thing at the link (it’s about two minutes long) but here’s an abbreviated transcript that captures the message:
To my children: I’m sorry that you don’t always get the mother you deserve. And to myself: I’m sorry that you don’t always get the motherhood you deserve. Motherhood was painted as this beautiful, magical experience of sunshine and rainbows and a love like you’ve never felt—which is true. But no one ever talked about the other layer… [And] once you know that most of us are out here in the trenches, just trying to survive, learning about ourselves, bettering ourselves, that has to be enough because that’s all we have to give. The world is not built for mothers, but it’s mothers that build the world.
Many times over, in moments of exhaustion and frustration and overwhelm, I’ve thought to myself that my kids deserve a better mother. But I never considered the thought that maybe sometimes I deserve a motherhood that isn’t the one reflected in my reality. Of course, this is true of life, really—we don’t always get the life we deserve, one filled with joy and recognition, wonderment and ease. And just the knowing of that impossibility can feel so heavy sometimes.
I was watching Inside Out with my kids this week (both in anticipation of the newly released sequel, and due to the aforementioned long, lazy days of summertime), and I had completely forgotten the takeaway of the movie: that we need the whole spectrum of feelings—dark and light, sadness and joy—to build a meaningful life. I thought of this last week at the beach, as Emma and Chase jumped the waves, which licked the shore from where I watched. Hauling two little kids to the beach is no small undertaking, but the packing and nagging and schelpping was simply the counterpart to the awe and tenderness and deep love I felt as their witness right then.
We deserve beautiful lives, beautiful motherhoods. We don’t always get them, yes—but you will never stop being someone who deserves that. I’ve been having trouble lately translating my ideas into essays lately, but this poem seeped out of me somehow. I hope you never stop seeking the beauty you deserve.
You Deserve A Beautiful Motherhood one tied with soft velvet ribbon the hope of dahlias in June you deserve helping hands in the chaos of dusk and whispers of recognition during naptime reprieve the joy of sparklers on the shores of the lake the sweet smell of eucalyptus and the peace of redwood forests you deserve reminders of your fortitude, nods to your tenderness the grace of dandelion pappus, wishes generously fulfilled. instead you got slumbers woven with worry daydreams dulled by duty the shadow of another self in fingerprinted mirrors you got good intentions run dry by stinging paper cuts and the wrong color of green small furies from tiny souls and an unrelenting fear of failing how did I get here? you wonder I thought it would be different. and still goodnight hugs are doled sheets pulled up to dimpled chins and you lay again in your own bed weary eyes alighted on the ceiling above struck, suddenly, by an idea: what is beauty anyways? A mirage, a false idol? a made up plaything, a fable revered? what if beauty is something else entirely what if it's saying yes at dawn to the mosaic of a mottled motherhood over and over and over again yes yes yes what if there has never been anything as beautiful as that what if what if what if
You can find a sharable version of this poem right here.
In case you missed it: my big summer reading list—that’s 24 books to add to your TBR! This was a huge labor of love, I hope you’ll check it out.
Issue 44: The Summer Reading List
I live for a seasonal booklist, one that offers a few breadcrumbs to help find the perfect story to accompany me along the shore of the beach or on the back deck at twilight—and perhaps more realistically, in the fleeting moments squeezed into all-day parenting marathons, idling at the park, and pockets of time between endless snack-making.
Worth Making: Very Frozen Spiked Coffee
’s cookbook Sweet Enough has so many festive summer recipes, and this one was on my list to make for one reason exactly: it’s easy. The recipe below is a slightly modified version of the recipe in the book, and serves 3-4. You can easily double it if desired! I used coffee liqueur instead of vodka simply because I was out of vodka, and I’m going to try it with bourbon next time. Don’t skip the mascarpone—it really enhances the flavor and creates a more substantial texture than plain whipped cream. Truly the perfect summer treat.
Frozen coffee
2 cups strong coffee, cooled slightly
1-3 tbsp sugar (sweeten to your preference)
1/4 cup vodka, coffee liqueur, baileys, or bourbon
Mascarpone Whipped Cream
1/2 cup heavy cream
1/2 cup mascarpone
2 tbsp sugar
Combine the coffee ingredients in a small loaf pan or baking dish, mix gently until sugar is dissolved, then place in the freezer for at least 2 hours. Combine whipped cream ingredients and mix with a whisk by hand, or with a mixer, until thick enough to scoop. Once coffee is frozen, use a fork to scrape it into flakes. Scoop into coupes or small bowls and top with a hearty dollop of whipped cream. Enjoy immediately!
Worth Spending: Paintbrush Rinser ($10)
I’m in my watercolor era, specifically colorful fruit patterns (did you know that all my early paid subscribers get a watercolor card by yours truly snail mailed to them?!), so my kids and I have been doing a lot of painting this summer. I was growing tired of having to refresh their water bowls what felt like every two minutes, and came across this nifty little contraption. You press that green button to drain the dirty water and it refills automatically from the tank. I only have two gripes: first, I wish the reservoir was a little larger and second, that I didn’t order two of them because sharing is an absolutely laughable endeavor with a 3yo and 5 yo.
Worth Reading Aloud: Three Children’s Book Recs
My Thoughts Have Wings by : A sweet mediation on the expansiveness of our thoughts—the good, the bad, the in-between.
I Dream of A Journey by Akiko Miyakoshi: A bear daydreams about what it would be like leaving the little hotel he owns and traveling the world like the many guests who visit him.
Today by Gaby Snyder: Perfect for the dog days of summer, this one recounts how some moments seem to drag on forever and some pass in an instant—but that all of them are full of wonder if we choose to look for it.
Worth Quoting: Jean-Paul Sartre
“I have led a toothless life. I have never bitten into anything. I was waiting. I was reserving myself for later on—and I have just noticed that my teeth have gone.”
Worth Noting: This Week’s 10 Honorable Mentions
I absolutely love the Olympics, and am super excited for the 2024 summer games in Paris kicking off this month—so I was delighted by the backstory of this year’s logo, which pays tribute to the equal split between male and female athletes, a historic first.
Popping out for a post-bedtime viewing of A24’s Janet Planet, the indie flick about motherhood, adolesence and the collision of the two, set in early 90s rural Massachusetts.
A few beautiful words from the inimatable Maya Angelou.
Boozy sour grapes—soaked in Lillet (or prosecco!)
Probably too lazy to make this, but I’m intrigued by this DIY sand remover idea via of .
PSA: They make Goo Gone in pen form AND wipes! (Lots of sticky fingers around here.)
Always on the hunt for interesting framing ideas, and these photo mats by Sarah Goodwin are fantastic and budget-friendly.
This combination of walnut wood and a striped shade makes for an absolute perfect table lamp in my eyes.
“The Moms Are Horny,” Glamour. I foresee a flood of steamy movies, books and shows with mid-life women as the leads—and I am here for it.
Currently reading Expiration Dates by Rebecca Serle—I’ve loved her other books and her newest is delivering so far!