Issue 38: The Soul-Numbing Glorification of Habits

How the pursuit of habit-keeping washes whimsy ashore

off to our neighborhood little library she goes, unsolicited advice included

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Worth Considering: The Soul-Numbing Glorification of Habits

For most of my adult life, I had berated myself for not being someone who makes and sticks to habits. I watched peers with seething jealousy as they made it to yoga after work everyday, who woke up at 6am to write for an hour each morning, no exceptions. I’ve made countless failed attempts at regular green smoothies and afternoon mindfulness walks. I recently stumbled upon my 2017 bullet journal spiral in which entire spreads were dedicated to color-coordinated habit tracking. Last year, I bought James Clear’s book Atomic Habits, convinced that this would finally be the thing that made me the person I had always longed to be: A Habit Keeper.

That same book gathered dust for the last 370-ish days, until I was so sick of staring at it on my nightstand I decided to read it (and change my life forever). I think I got to page 25 or so when I paused and thought to myself, damn, keeping habits sounds like a real bummer.

This reaction should not have come as much of a surprise to me. In fact, I’m nearly certain my husband smirked and rolled his eyes when the book first landed on my bookshelf. He surely knew that I—someone who hates being told what to do and who cannot keep a routine to save her life—would toss this sucker into the nearest little library before I could scream MAKE ME! at Mr. Clear’s introduction.

Though I do mostly have my stubborn disposition and general disregard of authority to blame for my outraged take on a tedious and bossy book, I wondered if my ire was fueled by something bigger. Was my dismissal of his thesis—that breaking negative habits and forming positive ones will greatly improve the quality of your life—more than personal aversion?

James Clear outlines the classic habit loop theory—cue, response, reward—adding that these habits will only stick by following his simple formula of make them obvious, make them easy, make them attractive, make them satisfying. He throws in a bunch of demonstrative anecdotes along the way, but that’s the essence of the book. There, I just saved you 6 hours and $13.79, you are welcome!!

So what, exactly, is a habit? Oxford defines it as “a settled or regular tendency or practice, especially one that is hard to give up.” Wikipedia words it slightly differently: “A habit is a routine of behavior that is repeated regularly and tends to occur in the subconscious.” And The American Journal of Psychology defines it as “a fixed way of thinking, willing or feeling acquired through previous repetition of a mental experience.” The throughline is clear: don’t ask questions and do as you’re told (even if you’re the one doing the telling).

It goes without saying that the internet at large (by which I mean our capitalistic American society) is fully invested in you making and breaking habits every single day, and not just at the start of a new year. It’s why cocktail lovers are subtly shamed by non-alcoholic beverage companies (that’s a twofer: break a bad habit, start a good one) and why fitness brands prey on our desire to be stronger, thinner, hotter (a play at stroking an egoic need to be our “best” selves with simple habit building). One of Clear’s most highlighted excerpts from the book is “Decide the type of person you want to be. Prove it to yourself with small wins.” The takeaway around the habit-making rhetoric is the same everywhere: you aren’t good enough as you are, and it’s about time you did better.

I’m not making an argument for never changing an approach to something, or investigating if some repeated behavior in your life is or isn’t serving you. It’s the initial examination that I believe actually is the thing worth doing. Habits capture the catalyst, but if executed “properly” the examination is then eliminated and we operate on autopilot. This sounds great in theory (optimize your existence, everyone!), but then we begin moving through life without questioning our routine behaviors or reflecting on what might actually fulfill us from day to day, or what works for our current phase of life. It’s so much more nuanced than a book about habits can really take on.

Our lives are constantly changing, on the macro and micro levels. When you consider the amount of variables—career, interpersonal relationships, mental, emotional and physical health, financial gains and losses, caring for children or family members, shifting interests and priorities over time—the mere concept of habit-making and habit-keeping is ludicrous. You may be able to meditate for 15 minutes every day on your lunch break for a period of time, but inevitably your kid is going to go home sick at 11:30am, or you might start a new job that requires a good amount of lunch meetings. Add in our natural proclivity for novelty and the reality is that very few habits are habits for very long. Of the 15 million (!!!) people who bought Clear’s Atomic Habits, I would be shocked if more than 10% of them had maintained a new habit within a year of reading the book.

Even if humans were really good at making and keeping habits, it begs the question: why should we? I’m imagining being the person who runs the same route for the same amount of time each morning. It sounds great in theory: the dedication! the pride! the quads! But then I consider reflecting on that same routine in the last days of my life and thinking, was that the best use of my time? What might have shifted if I had lingered over my coffee outdoors on quiet summer mornings more often? What if I had traded a fraction of those runs to meet with a friend for breakfast? What if I had opted to forgo habits in pursuit of wholeness? In the age of productivity culture, exhaustive hustling, and the venerated girlboss, we are made to believe that we must optimize our time, and that we must micromanage our lives because our whimsy cannot be trusted and is, frankly, a waste of our energy output.

If you Google “common habits people want to break” the answers have very little to do with rigid goals that we associate with habits. They’re bigger than that: perfectionism, comparison, neglecting to care for ourselves. And the common habits people want to make? Practicing gratitude, tending to relationships, introspective journaling, and the like. What it seems we really want to change are things that involve deep work, that can’t be checked off a list each day. These pursuits feel like rewarding ones, that if tended to would provide a meaningful and lasting impact. If we want to allow for an opening of time and space for those pursuits, we need to simultaneously soften the rigidity of habits. A simple rebranding, if you will: Sporadic partakings, maybe. Steady proclivities, perhaps. We’ll workshop it.

James Clear writes, “The ultimate form of intrinsic motivation is when a habit becomes part of your identity. It’s one thing to say I’m the type of person who wants this. It’s something very different to say I’m the type of person who is this.” I think we are so much more than our repeated behaviors. Let’s stop being our habits, and instead be curious, excitable creatures in search of unending whimsy and wonder.

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Worth Clicking: “Are You In The Portal?” - Culture Study

It could be a simple placebo effect of entering a fresh new decade, but I honestly felt like there was an energetic shift when my birthday arrived this year, marking my entrance into 40. I felt noticeably energized, capable, optimistic. I was poking around my backlog of email this week, and happened to come across Anne Helen Petersen’s newsletter dissecting very similar feelings she was having at 42. In this issue, she chats with several other women who have experienced these shifts, typically between ages 37 and 45. I loved their varying speculations, and the vibrance in their words; it made me even more excited for the years ahead.

Worth Crafting: Scrappy Watercolor Bookmarks

Apparently making bookmarks is my hyper-fixation activity! These are easy (and also kind of meditative?) to make. Over the holidays I gifted them to friends with my favorite book of poetry, and now have stock to tuck into cards or books I pass on to others or donate. Here’s the how-to:

1. I start by collecting watercolor art made by my kids or myself, filling in any large white gaps as needed (I recommend using watercolor paper, it’s a little thicker, and can be found at Target, Amazon and craft stores; cardstock works too).

2. Cut the paper into equal strips of your desired width. You can use regular old scissors, but I love this $15 paper trimmer which shockingly comes in handy more than you’d expect!

3. Lay the strips out strips side-by-side in your desired pattern on another piece of unused watercolor paper or cardstock.

4. Glue them down; a glue stick or brushed Modge Podge work well here. Once the sheet is complete, put some books on top to press the paper and allow it to dry for a few hours.

5. Now cut the paper in the opposite direction of the strips, to the width you’d like for your bookmarks. Trim them again to the desired height.

6. Make a hole at the top with a small hole punch (also shocking useful), then string a ribbon through. Ta-da!

Worth Watching: Past Lives (available for rent on Prime Video, Apple+)

Oscar season has arrived! And though the official nominations aren’t released until January 23rd, I’m trying to get ahead based off the Golden Globe nominees and winners. I knew I wanted to watch Past Lives, which follows two Korean friends through the course of their early lives—first as kids at age 12, then young adults at 24 and finally at 36. The movie, mostly in subtitles, is incredible; the chemistry between the two leads will catch your breath. It’s poignant, thoughtful, sometimes brutally raw, and (you guessed it) made me sob. I could cry now just thinking about the absolutely perfect ending. Don’t miss it!

Worth Noting: This week’s 10 honorable mentions

1. Tossing a handful of sesame seeds (1/4 to 1/3 cup) into homemade granola is IT. Adds the perfect amount of savory to an otherwise sweet snack.

2. Added a piece of mixed media art by Sarah Huang to my nearly-there living room gallery wall, and I love it so much.

3. Bay Area locals: We stayed at The Stavrand in Guerneville for my birthday and it was such a lovely getaway with fantastic hospitality. Highly recommend.

4. Have you watched the movie Saltburn? Intrigued, especially with its Golden Globe nom.

5. I wrote future me a letter, to be delivered on Dec. 31st. A possible new birthday tradition.

6. Discovered Little Liffner and love it all, especially their totes.

7. Queuing up Death & Other Details, which has major White Lotus vibes (plus Mandy Patinkin!). Airs on Tuesday on Hulu.

8. Really like the first two ideas on this list of ways to stay in touch during busy seasons—a snail mail book club with a long distance friend and a soup train with local ones.

9. Crunchy Honey Buffalo Chicken is on the menu this week.

10. Love Has Won: The Cult of Mother God was wild, y’all. Watch it if cults are your thing (they are very much my thing).

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